


The real reason why the Hulk hates cephalopods

by fakesheep-luna (octavaluna)



Series: Earth-6199 [2]
Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Ass Play, Bondage, Bottom Tony Stark, Crack, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, Face-Fucking, Fluff and Smut, Harry Potter References, Hectocotylus, Kinky sex, Little Mermaid references, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romantic Gestures, Sexual Humor, Tentacle Sex, Tony is amused, Top Steve Rogers, Why Did I Write This?, steve is turned into an octopus from the waist down, tentacle deepthroating, you know the rest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:02:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3525080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octavaluna/pseuds/fakesheep-luna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony turns to the rest of the team, all gathered around the bathtub in which Steve is sprawled in, and stabs a finger into Clint's chest.<br/>“First of all, birdbrain, this is our bathroom, and you are all in it. So if I want to fucking talk dirty to my calamari of a fiance here - I fucking will, and I don't really care about your goddamn sensibilities. Second,” He points at Coulson, “I went away for two days, TWO FUCKING DAYS, and you let Captain America be hit by a fucking curse and transformed into a fucking octopus from the waist down. How the fucking fuck!? And Why?”</p><p>“Those are a lot of fucks in one single rant.” Sam supplies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The real reason why the Hulk hates cephalopods

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Отчего Халк на самом деле ненавидит головоногих](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6050572) by [Sumiregava](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sumiregava/pseuds/Sumiregava), [WTF_Cap_and_IronMan_2016](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WTF_Cap_and_IronMan_2016/pseuds/WTF_Cap_and_IronMan_2016)



> I was in the mood for something hot and unusual, and for once the result turned out exactly like I intended to at the beginning ;)  
> But I also had to research a lot of weird stuff for this, so you better appreciate it. 
> 
> Beta-ed by Khang. I would apologize but I'm pretty sure he's seen worse.

 

 

 “I want you to fuck me with those.”

Steve looks at him deeply unimpressed.

“You see your fiancé transformed into Ursula's male cousin and your first though is 'I wanna tap that' Really, Tony?”

“Babe, it's 'Ursula's HOT male cousin, and just for the record, I had some really good times in my day with Japanese porn; tentacle sex is a personal, unfulfilled fantasy of mine.”

“Do I even want to know why...?”

“Probably not. But I'm really enthusiastic about those babies that you've got now instead of legs. Not that I don't like your legs, you know I do, I could spend hours licking them.”

“You actually did that last week.”

“Yeah, but why are we still talking and why are you not shoving one of those up my ass already?”

 

“Maybe because you are not in your fucking kink room you depraved son of a bitch!!!” Clint grunts from behind Tony's back.

“Ew guys, we are still here.”

“Just when I though those two couldn't get any more disgusting, they take it to a whole new level.”

“I'm about to puke.”

“Stark, if you wanted sushi you could have just ordered in.”

 

Tony turns to the rest of the team, all gathered around the bathtub in which Steve is sprawled in, and stabs a finger into Clint's chest.

“First of all, birdbrain, this is our bathroom, and you are all in it. So if I want to fucking talk dirty to my calamari of a fiancé here - I fucking will, and I don't really care about your goddamn sensibilities. Second,” He points at Coulson, “I went away for two days, TWO FUCKING DAYS, and you let Captain America be hit by a fucking curse and transformed into a fucking octopus from the waist down. How the fucking fuck!? And Why?”

“Those are a lot of fucks in one single rant.” Sam supplies.

Phil doesn't even blink but Bruce rasps his throat, trying to catch Tony's attention.

“Tony, calm down. We already checked all his vitals, and everything seems to be alright. Except for his little, uh... limb excess, Steve is healthy and as well-functioning as ever.

“As for the curse,” Natasha fills in “It was some wannabe Sorcerer Not-so-supreme with a honest-to-god magic wand who generated it. He was wearing a Slytherin scarf, for crying out loud. We already caught the fucker and he swore that the effects will pass in three days. Two and a half now.”

“Are you sure?”

“I conducted the interrogation myself.”

Tony's shoulders lose a fraction of their tension and he casts her a brief smile, before turning to Steve who looks between bored and resigned, lazily resting his forearms on the border of the tube and leaning his craned head on them. Tony slips one hand into his damp hair, fingers stroking softly, and Steve looks up at him pleadingly from under his eyelashes.

“Clear out, guys” Nat pushes Sam out of the bathroom waving her hand to the rest of the team in a universal 'follow me, flock' gesture, and Tony remembers again why she is his second favourite.

 

“How are you feeling?” He asks Steve once they are alone and the door is shut, sliding to his knees to bring himself face to face with the other man. Steve lifts his face to deposit a chaste kiss on Tony’s nose and drops it again, lifting a tentacle out of the water and waving it unenthusiastically in lieu of an answer.

Tony just continues brushing his fingers through Steve's hair but his attention drifts to the tentacle. It's dark blue with a hint of purple and makes his curiosity jump impatiently.

“Can I...?”

Steve nods and brings it closer, letting Tony touch it tentatively. As soon as his fingers brush the tentacle Steve jerks it away, his whole body tensing and a sharp hiss escaping his lips.

“Fuck!” Tony retreats a step looking worryingly at Steve “Babe, you alright? Did I hurt you?”

“No...” Steve looks puzzled at his tentacle bringing it so close to his own face his eyes almost cross and poking at his nose with it “It's just... they are generally not very sensitive.”

“How so?” Tony creeps closer again, sitting cross-legged on the wet tiles besides the edge of the tube and Steve brings another tentacle and touches tentatively Tony's forehead with it. He closes his eyes inhaling deeply and holding it for a couple of seconds before letting his breath out and dissolving into a smile, relaxing a little bit and letting more extension of the tentacle brush along Tony's face, his cheeks and his neck.

“I sometimes get more sensation depending of what I touch. I can barely feel the walls of the tube and when Bruce was checking on me earlier I noticed him a little bit but still dully, unimpressive. You, however, feel good. Dunno why. Just really intense.”

Tony hums, extending his hand to touch the same tentacle from before and bringing it closer to inspect. It's slippery but surprisingly firm and looking at it closely it's not purple at all, but pure ocean blue with red stripes curling and folding along it like Damascus steel. Beautiful.

The underside is full of little suction cups, and when Tony's fingers slip over them Steve makes a content noise at the back of his throat, twisting the tentacle in Tony's hands to offer the underside to him, at the same time that the tentacle that was stroking Tony's face before is now curling around his throat and creeping under the collar of his shirt.

“You really feel good... it's like... sparks, of sensation.”

“Sparks, eh?” Tony chuckles, giving a tentative lick on one cup and leveling in the feel of the tentacle jerking under his lips. Steve didn't lose a moment, pushing the tip into Tony's mouth, who runs his tongue around it and sucking lightly.

“Aaam...” Steve gasps shivering and pushing himself up a little bit. “Wow.”

“So -” Tony grins, getting the tentacle out of his mouth “As much as I'm tempted to say that your tentacles somehow only answer to me, I've got a more stable theory based on what you have just told me.”

“Yeah?” Steve huffs a little breathlessly.

“Electroperception”

“Huh?”

“I think that what you feel with those is electric impulses. Octopi are not supposed to have this ability, I think... I'm not a biologist but I guess our Hogwarts deserter isn't either. Still, all creatures generate little electric currents, and you are supposed to catch them to guide yourself and hunt. But since you are not a real animal your brain does not translate them correctly, that's why they are mostly muffed and you lack sensibility.”

Steve blinks at him “The arc-reactor.”

Tony nods “And the electro magnet powered by the arc-reactor, and the en-nanities that use the residual energy from it to regulate my enzymatic activity... I have basically a web of electricity humming right under my skin, in every cell of my body. I'm a walking electric appliance and right now your new limbs seem veeeery happy about that... why are you laughing?”

And Steve is chuckling, and pushing himself out of the tub to kiss Tony happily.

“And despite everything it's still only you” he says once he pulls back, casting Tony an extremely fond look “Even if I turned into a goddamn octopus, my body is set on being affected only by you. How do you even do it?”

“It's my superpower, applepie.” Tony says pushing himself up from the tiles and kicking his shoes off. “Jarvis, adjust the water temperature, you know the data. And put on the mix number six, volume at 35%.”

“Yes, sir.” The AI responds. Steve hooks an eyebrow as the sensual music with Arabic undertones fills the bathroom, but his lips split in a delighted smile.

“Are you really doing what I think you are doing?”

Tony just snaps his fingers and crooks one of them under his tie pulling it over this head and tossing it aside, swirling to the beat and going for the buttons of his shirt with a seductive roll of his hips.

“Hell yeah! I was serious before, you know?”

Steve hums appreciatively, enjoying the show. “About me fucking you with the tentacles?”

Tony slides right into his space, shirt off, and lifts his face with one finger, mischievously gleaming eyes matching the dirty grin on his face. “We've done worse in bed.”

Steve snorts grabbing him by the belt with his hands and stroking one tentacle over his abs. “I really don't think so.”

“Ok, maybe not. But first time for everything, right? Don't worry, you'll love it.”

Steve huffs on Tony's skin, dragging his teeth over his fiancé's hip and pushing his pants down after getting rid of the belt. “I'm more worried over the fact that you are not in the slightest bothered by this.”

“I have a very vivid imagination, love...”

“I know.”

“... and right now I'm imagining all you can do to me with those.”

“I know this too.” Steve smirks caressing the tent in Tony's slacks with one tentacle “You are so weird.”

“You love me.”

“Yes, I do” Steve grins and hooks his arms around Tony's middle, turning him around and pulling him into the water, using two tentacles to get the rest of his pants and underwear off. And he's got an armful of a laughing gorgeous man who is wiggling around like en eel and attacking his mouth. Who would blame Steve for getting more comfortable and letting his tentacles roam the expansion of Tony's skin, delighting in the amazing feel of electric sparks everywhere he touches, pure pleasure all over and... and one of his tentacles is feeling particularly twitchy and sensitive. He lets go of Tony's mouth for a moment and enjoys the scrape of goatee and teeth under his adam's apple. He throws his head back and moans, long and low, but still finds enough in himself to bring that one tentacle up and inspect it, because it feels familiarly dense. The last dozen of inches are a little bit different from the rest, devoid of suction cups and the tip is less pointy and slicker. Huh. Mental note for late-ee...

“Feel good?” Tony asks taking one tentacle in hand near the base and stroking it slowly and firmly all the way up, the press of his wet hand expanding a net of delicious sensations all through Steve's body.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck... Ah! Tony!”

“Mmm... I love it when you wriggle under my hands. You can touch all you want babe, in and out, all yours.”

 

_Fuck._

 

“Our usual tells?” Steve has the decency to ask breathlessly when Tony's electric body presses even tighter to his.

They kiss, hungrily, and desperately, with their tongues twisting and spit-slick lips being caught between teeth in a passionate dance and Tony's hands pulling at Steve's hair...

“Oh, fuck, hot stuff, yes!  _Yes_  yes yes! Yes to everything, don't hold back,  _please_  babe! Ah!”

Tony is letting escape sounds so obscene out of his mouth that his younger self would blush, and he doesn't even realize it because Steve is  _everywhere_.  _Fuck Hot damn_! “Beloved, please, please for the love of god, fuck! I want you inside me so bad.”

Steve doesn't need any more encouragement because his blood is boiling, and he turns them over, pressing Tony's back to the tiled wall and wrapping Tony's thighs with two of his tentacles, supporting him with them and pulling his legs apart. Somehow that act alone is incredibly erotic and they both pant with their lips barely brushing.

“Get on it, soldier.” Tony whispers throwing his head back with a grin of pure ecstasy.

“Yes-sir!”

 

Steve guides one of his left tentacles between Tony's legs, but at the last minute changes his mind and goes for the third from the right, the one that feels different, and familiar... so nice, so sensitive...mmm...

 

He tentatively brushes the tip against the rim of Tony's hole, water and slick making it easy and perfectly smooth, and sucks a hickey under the man's jaw.

“Yeah...” Tony whispers and the tip of the tentacle pushes inside him and it's so good... Tony is tight after two days away and crazy hot inside. Steve pulls out and then in again, now a little bit more, opening Tony with a slow, turtorous rock and twist that has his lover whining and,  _“Aaaah... fuck Steve, baby more please, yes, right there, you are so good to me, give me more, give me until I can't take more, open me up, push it all insid...Ah!! Ah Fuuuck!”_

And Steve is overwhelmed, the tentacle in Tony's ass so tense and pushing inside more and more with every thrust, and maybe he should lay back a little but it's so, so  _good_. And Tony is not exactly complaining, actually it already looks like he is close. Won't do, not yet... Steve wraps another tentacle around the base of Tony's dick, and Tony is wiggling in his arms, back arching beautifully and cursing under his breath, looking at Steve with unfocused eyes and pupils so blown they are almost pitch black, fuck just oh...

Now Steve is so obviously losing it, and Tony feels just so, so full. Oh holy... And then another tentacle – and just how many of those Steve has? Oh, right... eight – traces his lips and Tony finds it in himself to lap at it with his tongue. It's salty, but with an undertaste of sweetness that remembers Tony of those licorice sweets that he loved as a kid, and he sucks on the tentacle, opening his mouth when Steve thrusts it all the way inside and Tony chokes on it and moans low and deep, and Steve twists the tentacle in his ass thrusting it in and out right to the point when there is no more to go and he is more open than he's ever been in his life, stuffed full, taking all the slick and firm flesh in his insides with Steve so far gone he is almost not seeing reason. Tony is close, so, so close but he doesn't want this to end and “Fuck Steve! Baby sooo... aaaah!! Fuck so big! I'm so full with you! Ah! Yes! Right there, in my needy hole... ah, pleasee-”

And he doesn't even know what he is pleading for but they are not the creepily coordinated couple of the year for no reason because apparently despite the haze Steve guesses and he fills Tony's mouth with his other tentacle again, and pushes it all the way down, and this time Tony opens up completely and swallows around it... and it's so thick and firm, thrusting in and out of his throat with the same motions than down in his ass, and fuck... aaah... his vision is swimming, and his whole body is shaking... it's so, so good. And Steve is no better, trembling uncontrollably... Tony can feel it, feel it in the tentacle that's sliding against his prostate, making stars explode inside him, and in the two pinning him to the wall, and the tentacle working his throat... slick and wide. Fuck! Everything's so hot,  _burning_! Tony moans between chokes, tries to gasp for the little breath he can manage and pleads unintelligibly, still mouth full of tasty flesh and he is not even aware of what he is asking, but he needs to come, he needs it now, and then Steve is groaning and sinking his teeth in Tony's collarbone, like he likes to do when he comes and the tentacle around the base of Tony's cock eases and Tony shoots with a muffed cry, all his senses going on a bliss of white and light. And they are both still pressed together and riding in the aftershocks. oh... _oh_. Mmm... Chests heaving for breath and languid caresses all over each other... sweet and good... hm-m...

 

Steve slips out and lets go of Tony's thighs, depositing his ass carefully on the bathtub floor and cuddling into his chest.

“Wow”

“Yeah.”

 

Tony is still breathing heavily, a lazy grin gracing his features, when his hand finds its way into Steve's hair, stroking softly.

 

Steve chuckles. “I can't believe you let me fuck you like this.”

“ _I_  can't believe I  _convinced_  you to fuck me like this.”

His lover shots him an unimpressed look, promptly ruined by the post-orgasmic bliss- and Tony kisses his forehead.

“Tony.”

“Yes, dear?”

“I think, no, I'm pretty sure that I  _came_  in your ass, through my tentacle.”

“Hm. Third from the right, yea?”

“How did you...?” Steve pulls said tentacle closer but looks up at Tony who continues to stroke his hair completely relaxed.

“It's your hectocotylus.”

“My _what_?”

“You octo-dick.”

“Oh god... first of all, don't call it like that, second, do I even want to know how do you know that?”

Tony raises an eyebrow at him, “Japanese porn.”

“Of course,” Steve huffs rolling his eyes, but his expression is fond, and he is feeling far too good for banter right now. “Give me ten minutes and I'll find a suitable answer to that.”

“And then we can see how else we can make the most out of this situation.” Tony grins and ok, this is actually a pretty good plan too.

 

***

 

The next morning Tony shows up around breakfast time in his underwear and a plastic bag in hand, raids the fridge and disappears again.

 

His whole body is covered in suction marks.

 

Clint throws up on Bruce's lap.

**Author's Note:**

> [my _dash_ ing tumblr (heh!)](http://fakesheep-luna.tumblr.com/)


End file.
